Edgy as Defined by Marketing

Someone forgot to tell Palin the definition of 'Rogue'

2009-11-18T10:05:00.000-08:00

Ah, Sarah Palin. Will you never leave our public eye?

On Nov. 17, Palin's ghost written book, "Going Rogue" (writing is hard, lets go shopping!) was unleashed unto the public. I honestly cannot fathom why they didn't just go with, "Maverick: The True Underdog Story...9/11 Don'tcha'know?".

What I find hilarious about the book (other than the lies and half-truths within) is the title itself. Rogue isn't exactly a word I would want associated with my image.

Lets just head on over to Dictionary.com and pull up the definition

Rogue

–noun
1. a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel.
2. a playfully mischievous person; scamp: The youngest boys are little rogues.
3. a tramp or vagabond.
4. a rogue elephant or other animal of similar disposition.
5. Biology. a usually inferior organism, esp. a plant, varying markedly from the normal.

–verb (used without object)
6. to live or act as a rogue.

–verb (used with object)
7. to cheat.
8. to uproot or destroy (plants, etc., that do not conform to a desired standard).
9. to perform this operation upon: to rogue a field.

–adjective
10. (of an animal) having an abnormally savage or unpredictable disposition, as a rogue elephant.
11. no longer obedient, belonging, or accepted and hence not controllable or answerable; deviating, renegade: a rogue cop; a rogue union local.

Now that I think about it, the title is actually fairly appropriate. Kudos.

Glenn Beck in the hospital for appendicitis, or...?

2009-11-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

Now, I am not saying he is at home doing occult rituals to possess Jon Stewart, but he hasn't given any proof that he is NOT doing said possession rituals. America, you decide.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

The 11/3 Project

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

Let’s Compare a Classic to Modern, Shall We?

2009-10-08T17:19:00.001-07:00

Stumbling around the internet like an inebriated howler monkey sometimes leads you to classics, like Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First" sketch.

If you prod said howler monkey enough, it’ll lead you to a modern day equivalent; SMBC’s Take on the sketch:

Verify your Mugshots, People

2009-09-28T07:11:00.000-07:00

Especially if you're on TV trying to find a possible murderer. You would think this is common sense...

Piglet Really Was A Neat Freak.

2009-09-19T23:36:00.000-07:00

Attempts to combat the flu virus strain H1N1 were made in Egypt last spring by slaughtering the country's entire pig population. Who would have known that these smelly creatures were actually less filthy than the human population that they were frequently cleaning after?
For more than 50 years, the people of Cairo had become accustomed to having their trash collected at their doors by a group of scavenging garbage men who would separate solid materials to be sold or traded. The leftover organic waste was then fed to the scavengers pigs which were in turn slaughtered and eaten by the pigs owners.
To fight the city's trash build up, the government has placed trash bins around the city, but the attempts have proven to be unsuccessful. I guess I'm not the only one too lazy to actually walk all the way out to the dumpster.

New York Times

Conversations with DB - Probing Thoughts on Extraterrestrials

2009-08-19T07:18:00.000-07:00

DB: You know what I secretly hope?

Eric Tipler: whats that?

DB: I hope that aliens exist, and they are fantastically advanced, and further, I hope that one day we make contact, establish relations to the point where we can share all of our knowledge.

Eric Tipler: i'm of the school that the universe is too damn big for extraterrestrials not to exist

DB: And I hope that one day, we share ideas like this with the aliens, and they listen patiently as we explain it to its fullest.

DB: And then, I really really hope, that the aliens just say "Nope."

Eric Tipler: I'm also a realist and realize those radio waves we send into space will take thousands upon thousands of years to reach just a nearby galaxy

DB: I want them to land, and we explain all our theories about creation, religion and science and they're like, "No. No, not really."

DB: I just want to see the meltdown I think a lot of people would have trying to come to terms with a mass denial of conceptual understanding.

Eric Tipler: hehe

Eric Tipler: t'would be entertaining.

DB: Like, I assume that people would freak out and there'd be mass chaos of the older generations, and that the younger generation would be the one to accept the ideas.

DB: But, more likely, people would just ignore it and carry on like they were not wrong at all, instead of abandoning the old or internalizing the new. They'd just respond with "Nuh uh, you're wrong."

Eric Tipler: god made the aliens to test our faith

Eric Tipler: good game, god. good game

DB: Yeah, something like that, though I would expect science would fracture as well.

Eric Tipler: fuck yeah, it would

Eric Tipler: "You think carbon is the basis for most, if not all life? GUYS, YOU'VE GOT TO HEAR THIS!"

DB: I mean, can you imagine how people who have dedicated their lives to the concept of quantum physics would react if someone just showed up and said "Actually, you couldn't be more wrong."

DB: I mean, someone they believed would know. Not just like, random people at a party. They're used to that.

DB: "NO, FUCK YOU DR. ALIEN, THAT CAT IS ALIVE *AND* DEAD."

Eric Tipler: Until we look inside, its both :P

DB: Actually, you know what would be even better? After that point, I'm not sure the internet would be anything but warring factions of science and porn.

Eric Tipler: umm, no. its alive

Eric Tipler: SHUT UP ALIEN

Eric Tipler: aaand you just killed it

Eric Tipler: I SAID SHUT UP

DB: So... look, Mr. Scientist, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but you know you're doing nothing but killing perfectly good cats?

Eric Tipler: Cats are like gold on my home planet

DB: NO I AM NOT, I AM NOT KILLING THEM, I AM SPLITTING THEM INTO DIMENSIONS.

DB: No, sir. You are a maniac.

DB: So yeah. That's my greatest hope.

DB: Sometimes, before I fall asleep, I wish for it, with all my heart.

Eric Tipler: See, this is why we didn't communicate with you. An entire race of batshit insane evolved horses...what, you thought you evolved from MONKEYS? Awww, fuck this. We're out of here

Mentally Fit in 90 Minutes

2009-08-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

That's what the U.S. Army is promoting. Yup, a 90 minute class to get all those negative emotions that lead to mental breakdowns from the stresses of multiple deployments involving intense combat situations and family separation anxieties. Army’s chief of staff, General George W. Casey Jr, cited that the Army is planning on spending 117 million dollars to have 1500 sergeants trained to lead these seminars by this next summer. He also adds that this is a way to transform military culture which, in the past, has considered talking about emotions to be too much of a 'hand-holding' and a sign of weakness.
Even though the methods used in the 90 minute classes have only been tested on pre- pubescent middle school children (whose only worries are what will happen if they check "no" on the note and tell Jenny or Jason that they don't like her when they really do), the army actually believes it works on grown soldiers; soldiers that are thinking about throwing a man out a window while they are out drinking with friends.
I guess you can read the article for yourself here.

yellowBird Video is amazing!

2009-08-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

Why is it amazing? Well, let that sucker load up, and take a look around. Yes, thats right. Look around. In a video!

The possibilities for this technology are pretty phenomenal. Imagine how much more interesting those 'Behind the scenes' dvd/blu-ray extras would be if you could get a view of a scene being shot AND watch the caterer refill the bowl with M&M's (I swear if there is a single brown one in there, I'll cut you).

Or how about a corporate standpoint. Right now, video conferencing consists of either having everyone huddled on one side of the room, or a camera that has to be panned around. Nay, I say. yellowBird will let YOU decide who to stare at. No more being forced to look at the dude with the lazy eye, or Mr. 'Mymoleisablackholethatsucksyoureyesin' (Mr Mymolbasin for short) visiting from the parent company. Very nice.

Oh, and did you catch the stripper pole act towards the end? Classy.

Ballad of G.I. Joe

2009-08-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

Quick vid for you; a music video with GI Joe as the source material. The cast is, erm, interesting.

The Ballad of G.I. Joe from Olivia Wilde

A rundown:

Laz Alonso as Doc
Alexis Bledel as Lady Jaye
Billy Crudup as Zartan
Zach Galifiankais as Snow Job
Tony Hale as Dr. Mindbender
Vinnie Jones as Destro
Joey Kern as Tomax
Joey Kern as Xamot
Chuck Liddell as Gung Ho
Julianne Moore as Scarlett
Henry Rollins as Duke
Alan Tudyk as Shipwreck
Olivia Wilde as The Baroness
Sgt. Slaughter as Himself

I can't tell you how hard it was to get "Practicin' the Clarinet!" out of my head after watching this. The triangle player was a nice surprise also :D

Survivor: The Concrete Island

2009-07-30T23:02:00.000-07:00

This is my first time posting here, so you probably don't know me. Let me introduce myself: I'm Jibby. I am currently an unemployed aspiring beer brewer living on a couch in sunny San Diego, California. I have to my name one pair of Adidas Superstars-Lo, one pair of camouflage cut-off shorts with a hole newly stitched up the back right pocket, a package of watermelon pop-rocks a bargain-basement notebook computer, and a donated guitar with no strings. You might think I'm the last person to come up with a hit idea for a reality show, but I think I may have found it.
Reading over the Times, as usual, I came across an article that covered a village of homeless people living in Providence, R.I. in a tent city. Now, tent cities are nothing unusual in America, but this one in particular already has an elected "chief" that leads them. They have a democratic system that allows them to vote on camp rules and, get this, vote members off the island!
Now, I'm wondering how their isn't already a bunch of network cameras following a boring host around and watching these people. If I were the chief of the village, I would have already gone and pitched this show to the executives at CBS and made millions. Good news for me is that the chief can be voted off, too! I can sell my pop-rocks and HP notebook, take my guitar and lead these people to fame and fortune. All the chili beans you can eat! If that's not edgy, I don't don't know what is.
Read the full story here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/31/us/31land.html?ref=todayspaper

P.S. I never proof read.

Still Around, Dag nabbit!

2009-07-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

Will have posts upcoming. I was gone for a vacation, then off to two weeks military duty, followed by a funeral of a family member. Fun, fun, fun.

The humor shall return...

YouTube Barrage is a Go!

2009-04-14T17:47:00.001-07:00

Cage VS Schwarzenegger: Battle Royale

In the Land of the Rising Sun, who holds the title of “Craziest Commercial”? First up, we have Nicholas “Pachinko” Cage!

What. The. Hell. I had no idea they gave LSD away in pachinko machines. I guess that makes for one helluva prize.

Next, We have Arnold “Energy Drink” Schwarzenegger!

Fantastic. Its an energy drink that magically makes the already slightly crazy looking appear juuuust that much more crazy. After drinking, are you required to unzip your body to get the full benefits, or is it more like a snake skin shedding off?

Random WTF Videos

This is an incredibly blatant commercial. Love the bald cat about 1/2 through.

Bananaman compels you to eat more bananas, especially those coming from his nose…

Been a busy few weeks; posts incoming within a day or two

2009-04-09T07:34:00.000-07:00

Quick update to let you folks know I'm still around. Really, truly will post something with a bit more meat to it shortly...

I Killed Shrödinger's Cat. Maybe

2009-03-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

Ah, the wonderful world of the interwebs. What fun stuff did I glean from it these last few days..let's find out!

Want to get into paintball, but don't want the sticky mess it leaves behind? Why not wimp out? This fun little toy shoots out foam darts that will coat anything they hit with chalk dust. Easy cleanup and no bruises left behind (pansy). Two guns will cost you roundabout $37, and refills will be $9. The best part: After you're done pew pewing each other, the winner has all the tools necessary to make the losers' chalk outline! I wonder why they don't they mention that in the product description...

Trailer Alert-He's embedding. Good lord, he's embedding!

Gobstopper Trailer from Gobstopper Movie

Christopher Lloyd playing an evil Willy Wonka alongside bloodthirsty Oompa-Loompas? Why hasn't this been made into a movie yet? Sorry to dash your corny horror movie dreams, but this is just a spoof brought to you by the folks over at "Funny or Die". Here's to hoping that the next big project they have is a full version (I can already imagine the bubble room scene).
If they wanted to keep the movie short and sweet, they could use this guy as the hero

Oompa Loompas pop up and starts biting at his shin? *Bam*
Wonka skulks out of the shadows? *Kapow*

My idea for the finale: Bruce Campbell reprises his role as Ash from the 'Evil Dead' series. He'll just show up out of nowhere in the last few minutes of the flick, mumbles something about being out of gum to ol' Candyman Wonka, and takes him down with his boom-stick. I'm a writing genius! Hollywood, I expect my check to be in the mail. Bruce, call me. We'll work out the details.

Oregon Trail: Mary is a Burden Upon Society Edition

2009-03-19T20:04:00.000-07:00

In a fit of nostalgia, I recently purchased a copy of 'Oregon Trail' for my iPhone. Hoping to recapture some of the wonder I had when I played as a wee one, I gleefully forked over the $5.99 asking price. Look at it! A child running with a big grin; well-fed oxen pulling that immaculately maintained wagon; a man in the height of his prime pointing the way into the future...I love this game already!

Now, as much as I want to say how hard it was for me to stop playing, there was one thing that gave me pause: Mary. Yes, Mary. As you can see from the picture, she was taken by an eagle. I'm sure that happened all the time back then. Three damn days to find her. Three days of food gone because a raptor took my (apparently miniscule)daughter.

With a quick glance in all directions, I wade into a small patch of forest. Good, plenty of trees for her to grab onto in case she's being pulled skyward.
*Snap* Wait, what? Broken arm? How did you do that?!? I was going at a slow pace! Geez, this child is trouble. $20 to pay a random stranger to set her arm and two days later, I'm back on the trail to Oregon...

...or so I thought. 5 minutes pass by and Mary now has a broken leg. I am contemplating putting her down. Doubts begin to form as to whether or not we'll make it with the 'Curse of Mary' trudging along with us through these harsh paths.

At this point, I stopped taking screenshots of the game. I just couldn't keep up with the sheer amount of terror that Mary caused. In total, that child cost me 30+ days and $124 in medical expenses paid to trail doctors (some experienced, some not). 3 broken arms, 2 broken legs, 1 kidnapping by eagle, two snake bites, and to top it off, dysentery. Many a times I hoped she would succumb, but it never happened. Oddly enough, there isn't an option to forcibly drown a player in the rivers and streams you have to wade through.

All in all, the game is a great buy if you have an iPhone. Just don't name any children Mary. The developers hate Mary.

Huzzah Friday!

2009-03-13T17:56:00.000-07:00

And a merry Friday to everyone! It's time to celebrate! Played a bit of Team Fortress 2 while listening to a few tunes and I am off to the start of a great weekend. You may be asking yourself, "What would you listen to while playing TF2?". The answer, of course, is Bon Jovi. Any man who can do this to another man in a crowd

can be listened to in pretty much any situation. Spleen getting removed? Jovi. Divorce papers finalized? Jovi. Going on an undercover mission where you have the possibility of losing life or limb? Toss up between Jovi and Björk.

Pretty soon everyone will want to be doing their little dances on a jumbotron, but the cameras can't be everywhere, can they?
The LA Times reports on a new plan to float a spy blimp (hopefully named 'Not-Hindenburg') into areas that could use 24/7 surveillance. My favorite part of the article?

And its range would be such that the spy craft could operate at the distant edges of any military theater, probably out of the range of surface-to-air missiles as well.

...'probably out of the range'?!? For $400 million a pop (that probably isn't the best term to use), it better damn well be out of range!

Moving on to a somewhat related topic, a California Assemblyman has proposed a measure that would blur out a good portion of the maps in any "virtual globe browser available to members of the public". CNET News has the story.
For those wanting the quick summary: Dude cites concerns over terrorists possibly, maybe, conceivably using Google Earth to plan attacks. Therefore, information should be withheld. Let's not talk about paper maps, photos, or hell, just showing up to a location and scouting it out. We'll just blur everything out. Seems like the smart thing to do to protect our nations' children...WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

...oh, I guess this woman is. For just $135, you can own "BIRTH CONTROL IS SINFUL IN THE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES and also ROBBING GOD OF PRIESTHOOD CHILDREN!!"
Just imagine all the conversations that will be started when your guests see this book conveniently sitting out on your coffee table; things like, "Hmm, guess her caps lock key was broken" or "Cocaine is a helluva drug". Now I would like you to imagine a palm hitting your face; that's the feeling you will get when you read the book description.

As for my earlier post ranting against Twitter; it may have redeemed itself. I may follow this Christopher Walken page due to gems like these:

An escalator in Grand Central Station is out-of-service. I stood on it for a minute or two in the name of subtle irony. No-one else did.

and

A curious man asked if I was waiting for something as I stood on the curb. I said, "No. I'm ice fishing." Oddly enough he accepted that.

It may not actually be him, but I would be lying to myself if I said it wasn't funny. cwalken, I commend you.

Well, that's a wrap. Nothing else to see here.

Daylight Savings or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Atomic Clock

2009-03-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

Ah, daylight savings. How you irk me so.

A Haiku to Daylight Savings:

I hit the alarm

It is an hour ahead

I miss my sleep time

Have you wondered what a nationalized Citi Bank would be like? The people over at 'Funny or Die' have made the perfect commercial for it. (Language is NSFW)

The New F***ing Citibank - watch more funny videos

Moving on, lets head over to Twitter to see exactly why I hate it. You can argue that the people on the site sometimes say insightful things in 140 characters or less; I will then argue they have a damn mime twittering, and he has 6,881 people following his non-posts. Why the hell are they following him?!?

"One day, the mime will slip up, and I'll be there. Oh yes. I WILL be there"

Someone needs to be stabbed with a very sharp spork for allowing the mime to have followers. There doesn't seem to be any sporks handy, so I guess I will have to use this handy dandy Self-Defense Pen. Not only can you stab mimes to hear their silent screams, you can also work on your cursive! Super-awesome-ninja-fighting-love! ...that last bit I am fairly sure I stole from South Park. Great episode.

Ok, ok. The stabbing mimes bit might have been a tad overboard, and most cases wouldn't call for a stabbety pen. Let me ask you this, though. What do you do when Kangaroos attack?

Did I get lazy? No daily posts? Good sir, where is my content?

2009-03-06T17:33:00.000-08:00

Why, I do believe it's here! Had a bit of a long week, so the posting got delayed. No worries, though. Plenty of linkages coming up to serve you.

On a serious note, a severe adobe acrobat bug has been discovered that could lead your computer open to remote attacks. All versions from 7 forward on all operating systems are possibly at risk. It is suggested you uninstall adobe reader, and use an alternate program, such as foxit for opening PDFs until the problem has been resolved.

To lighten the mood, here is ninja cat:

Remember this video next time a cat appears near you inexplicably. They're out to get us. Sure, they seem nice at first. Playful swipe here; a nip there. But...cats are one stealth attack away from slitting your throat! Listen for the purring. It's actually a song being sung about your demise.

Now that the organic threat has been shown, lets move on to our soon-to-be robotic overlords.

Over at Boston.com, The Big Picture gives us a glimpse into the future of...wait, scroll down to picture 30...oh, you tricky bastards. I see how it is. You send him back in time to make a movie about a robot sent back in time to destroy the man responsible for fighting robots in the future, but your real plan was to draw attention away from your robot becoming a governor and pushing an interest in robotics to create the robot uprising. I'm on to you!

What could cause such anger from the machines? Its not like we purposely set out to cause humiliation and degradation to techn....oh, right, the USB Cow. Sorry about that one.

We may need to enlist the aid of aliens to survive against the robots. But how to find them. I know, i'll search amazon! For only $94.95, you can own this UFO-02 Detector. Perfect for finding those future allies. From reading the reviews, I gather its also really good for watching out against the abduction variety extraterrestrials (no more late night probes! ...unless you are into that sort of thing).

Oooh, lookie here! a new "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" trailer!

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Aww, what the crap? 'CG' claws? Oh well. Still looks to be a fun movie, what with Gambit finally making an appearance and all. Crossing my fingers that this movie won't be like the steaming pile which was known as "X3". I am a bit curious to see how far their marketing is going to go. I know there will be figurines, games, etc., but will they go the Star Trek route and have their own fragrance?

Off we go with a slightly delayed 2nd post

2009-03-03T07:48:00.000-08:00

I blame gaming for my lack of posting. Really, I do. Instead of taking the nice list of links I had accrued and turning it into a blog post, I decided it'd be better to shoot zombies (damn your addictiveness, Left4Dead ><). For the 3 hours I could have been blogging, I was screaming, "SMOKER, SMOKER, SMOKER!" into my mic as I was being pulled into the waiting doom that is the smoker's entourage of zombie groupies. Yes, zombies have groupies.

Anywho, lets make with the links.

First off, we have a story about an albino pink dolphin. Thats right, a living euphemism is swimming around in lake in Louisiana. In an inspired bit of creativity, it seems they named it 'Pinky' /golf clap.

Next, ~~head on over to amazon to test if you are color blind. Good to know when looking for pink dolphins (giggity).~~ EDIT: awww, they removed the picture :(

How would you like to see the greatest chase stunt of all time? That's right, youtube has it.

That a wrap for now.

2009-02-27T17:09:00.000-08:00

Looks like its time to get started on that blogamajig thingie i've been planning on doing. Lets have a look see over the list of things to have before starting a blog:

1. Overall theme: Crap, I need one of those?
2. Content: If content is king, then I am most likely going to be posting queens...wait, I think I need to rephrase that.
3. Dash of humor, sarcastic or otherwise: See above
4. A little bit of the ultra violence: C'mon, no Clockwork Orange references
5. Appy-polly-loggies: Seriously, stop with those
6. Viddy well, little brother.
7. What you'll be posting: Mostly just random links from around the web I find interesting/funny/strange. I'll put my take on the link, and give it to you, the reader. Possibly a few posts about my own life, but those should be few and far between.

Well, thar yeh go. A small rundown of what I plan to do with this little blog of mine. Thats right, i'm gonna let it shine. This litt... right, I'll stop now.